Oct. 15th, 2008

Dear You,

I miss you more than I can even beging to put into words. I started seeing a school therapist shortly everything. Whenever the situation is even brushed upon I can't talk. I feel like I'm going to start bawling my eyes out and when she notices and asks if I want to talk about it all I can do is shake my head.


I just turned eighteen and the only person I want to share that with is you. All I want for my birthday is to make it all go away. I want to go back to time and I want to not screw over the only person who actually matters to me. I could leave now. I could leave my entire life behind, just pick up and go. The only person I would ever give a second thought to is you. Nothing will ever change that. I hate myself. I love you. You hate myself. I understand. I just needed to admit it some where where it may be possible you could read it. I just had to.


Love Never Dies,
Me.

PS- whenever I'm on LJ Secret I always think the ones that say anything along the lines of "I hate my old best friend" were written by you directed to me. Everything reminds me of you.

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Oct. 5th, 2008

changed my journal a while back.
comment here if you want it
and then i'll comment an entry of yours with it

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Sep. 1st, 2008

i put all my inhibitions aside

Ok so in college I have come to the conclusion that I should never ever meet so many attractive boys at once. Thankfully, though, Constantin and I have specific rules. We are just in it for fun, nothing serious. We have the right to end it when we want to. If we meet someone we want to pursue we do not feel tied to one another. We are friends with very good benefits. That's it. Which at first I was iffy about because he's really nice.


Then I hung out with Matt last night. He was so easy to talk to and have fun and just hang out. We met up with Camille then around ten Luard joined us. Then Luard went home, Camille caught her bus and Matt & I were on the six by ourselves just talking. As my stop approached he gave me a kiss goodnight. It was adorable. He told me to text him when I got home to make sure I was safe.


Today I'm meeting up with Matt & Camille again to go to the village. We're on a mission for roller skates, and polaroid cameras. If you guys want to see these people you should look at my facebook. I'm about to put up pictures of Matt, too.

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Aug. 25th, 2008

really? did i really just fuck college that hard up the ass? god, it's about time for some mania. perfectly timed for once :)

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Aug. 14th, 2008

Ok, so don't judge me. I've been listening to Legally Blonde the Musical for the past few days. It's so fun. Seriously. California is making me crazy. I want to kill Emily. I want to kill my family. I had to buy a pack of Marlboro Red's today because they didn't have 27's and the other choices were Salems, Lights, or Camels. So, yeah, no.


Ok, a bit more serious now. Does anyone think that it's hypocritical for me to really love the entire idea of To Write Love On Her Arms since I was a cutter from seventh grade and am still battling it? Like. I feel like a jack ass for backing it, but then I also feel like it's there for people like me who cut and are trying to stop. I love it all. I'm going to go to town buying shit from that sound not just because I like the clothes but because I want to contribute to the cause. learn more about it, if you don't know. It's really amazing.

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Aug. 10th, 2008

Going to the hot tub with Emily. Chain smoking if I can help it. I better get hit on.

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Aug. 2nd, 2008

men meet your maker, i give you the author

I'm moving in just a few short hours. Maybe just one. Depends on when Ben gets here with the Suburban. Nervous? Eh. Worried all my shit won't fit in the car? A bit. Bored? Very.


By the way. So far, very disappointed in Breaking Dawn.

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Jul. 14th, 2008

i suffery from a lack of seratonin.

I have always had best friends. I have always tended to be more of the leader in friendships. Emily and I have been best friends since pre-school. The reason we became more distant a few years back is because I stopped hanging out with her. Then my best friends were Kim, Diane, & Jes. The four of us were inseperable, but I was clearly the leader followed in close second by Kim. We stopped hanging out because I got closer to Emily & that group again. That leads us to the Sachem gang. Me, Emily, John, Gabby, Scott, Dan, Connor, Murmello. Again, I was the only one who talked to everyone by the end after we had all dated each other. I left them again. Then Megan. Megan was older than me, sure, and maybe she was smarter- we'll never really know- but she was much more sheltered. I took the lead. Sure, she was there when I had breakdowns, but I was there through every subtle thing that happened to her. She ended that one, but I moved on. Then Patty in there. I ended that one by simply not talking to him anymore after one bad experience with a Low. Sarah, I -in a way- was actually the one to end it. We could have gotten over that fight, but I pushed it.


That's where things are different with Christel andf I already. I am not the obvious leader or the stronger one. I don't know who is. We have a very even relationship. Neither has too much control over the other. Neither would test it to see just how much control they had. We have a very give and take relationship. I think that that is going to be what saves our friendship.

With everyone else that I ditched or grew apart from, the playing field was never even. There was always one person who didn't need the other as much as they knew they were needed. Christel and I are not the types to sit there and tell each other just how much we care about the other. We just don't do things like that. But, at least for me, I feel like it just goes unsaid. I think we're both constantly amazed that the other comes at the drop of a pin. Whether it's me saying I'm having a Low and she shows up at my house, or her saying she's in one of those moods and I go basically right up to work to see her.

It's give and take. It's an even playing field. It's going to last.

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Jul. 12th, 2008

start out fast go clinging to my past & suddenly i'm sitting in last

So this has to be quick since I'm going out with Halee in just a minute to look for stuff for tonight. I'm really in the moving state of mind now. I can't wait to Swiffer Wet Jet these floors and paint my walls and hang up my Van Gogh painting and get a new bed and new seats and get all my books in here and an air conditioner and have FOOD in here. Really, that's the one thing I'm most looking forward to because this whole lack of food thing really fucking sucks. But now I know I can survive in Queens with $50 for 4 days. Fucking hard as hell, you have no idea. I need to put more money on my Metro card now that I think about it. Ugh.

This is going to be a good way to keep in touch with Christel, I'm beginning to think. Like, even when I don't have enough time to call or something I can still update this and everything. You know? I wish more of my friends had an IJ. I think it may not be too hard. I can come home on weekends. I've got my phone, I've got texting, I've got internet. I think I'll be able to keep in touch with the people I want to keep in touch with, you know? I was scared for a while because of a situation that Ashley went through when she moved, but I have to remember to tell myself that Ashley and I are two different people and treat situations in two different ways. Our lives are very different. I won't be going to class from 9am to 10pm everyday including Holidays. I won't be filling up every spare minute with work or practice or such.

Plus, when I am determined to do something you damn well better believe it's going to get done. I am determined not to lose the people who matter most to me. Christel, Erickson, Chachie, (sometimes)Anthony, Emily, Tom, Joe. I look at the people who went away to school last year. People I was really close with. Joe, the guy who was one of my first really good friends in High School and became the one that I lost it with. We're still close when we talk and we hang out when he's home. Mike, the guy that was my date to Jr. Prom. I absolutely love him and I see him when he's back. Pat Dowd, I was his unrequited love and he was my brother. We may not be AS close now but when we do see each other it's like we never left. So I know that the people who really matter are the people that will stick around. The people who know you get busy and won't bombard you with guilt for not calling. The people who get busy themselves. It's all give and take, you can't get mad over stupid things without people getting just as unnecessarily mad at you as well. You get what you put into it. I think I'll be ok.



But shit am I gonna miss Christel.

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Jun. 26th, 2008

before you start pointing fingers make sure your hands are clean

You know what I absolutely adore about traveling? I love that it's somewhere completely new. I love that I can be whom ever I want to be. I love that I know nothing about anyone and they know nothing about me. I love the culture shock of how different things can be. I love how time just escapes from me and I loose myself in all of it. I love that it's exciting and frightening and... free.

For the last two weeks I've been drifting in and out of lows. Today was the first time in a very long time that I cut. I resorted to it again. In a way I think I might have figured out why I do it. At least one of the reasons, I mean. When I get mad at other people, be them friends or family, I don't like it. When I cut, I can only get mad at myself. I get mad at myself for being an idiot and doing it again. I get mad at myself for being weak enough to let my mother affect me. I would always rather be mad at myself than be mad at anyone else.

Lately, I've just wanted to move away. It's thirty five days before I move. I want to cut myself off from everyone. Not call people, not return texts, nothing. A few weeks ago I was saying the only people I'll miss are Christel and Craig. Right now I won't even miss them. It's the best thing for everyone if I move. Lately it seems like I just piss everyone off, especially Christel. I feel like every time I have something to bitch about it's just trivial and annoying to her. Every response seems to be one along the lines of "Oh well, deal with it." I hate that. I can never tell her either. I have jealousy issues with Christel. I have issues with people in general. I get overly attached, I know, but I think that I do it because I know no one lasts. I set myself up for disappointment. I'm masochistic even in my subconscious. I love Christel to death, she's my best friend and basically the closest thing I have to family besides my actual sister Ashley. It just seems like the moment anything happens she doesn't trust me. Or when I need someone to just be around, not even physically, she's too busy dealing with her own problems. Which I understand. I mean, everyone has to deal with their own shit and I know I'm weird because I'd rather focus on other people most of the time. But some times, it would be really nice to feel comfortable around her in every situation. She hasn't even noticed that lately I've been talking but I haven't said anything. Today was the closest I got to actually saying something and I ended up telling her I was fine and it wasn't a big deal and everything. Of course, she did offer to come over and talk to me. Which was really good. So maybe I only have to actually talk to her to get the reaction I need? I don't know.

People shouldn't have to worry about me. People shouldn't have to get mad because I complain a lot. People shouldn't have to listen to me bitch and moan about my family and my stupid teenage problems. People shouldn't have to pretend to care. No one cares. No one gives a flying shit. I know they don't.



I need help. I need someone to just force me to see a shrink. I need people. I just don't think they need me. I'm not needed. I'm just existing. I'm not affecting anyone. When I move away, I'll be forgotten. I'd rather break the ties myself then sit back and watch them whither away.

Posted at 11:15 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend